’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have known what it’s like to have sex with someone besides oneself.
Premature ejaculation is the sincerest form of flattery.
A recent Gallup poll asked whether adultery should be a punishable crime. 51% of the respondents said yes. The men, however, disagreed.
You don’t know what you’ve got till your wife cuts it off and feeds it to the chickens.
I’ve often wondered whether a thousand chimps plinking away on a thousand typewriters could eventually come up with a play as good as Shakespeare’s Hamlet — until Lynyrd Skynyrd somehow managed to write the song “Freebird.”
Never kick a guy in the balls just because he called you a bitch. Do it before he gets the chance.
One man’s frozen sperm is another man’s low-carb ice cream.
Concentration camps don’t necessarily improve one’s concentration.
Whoever said “Honesty is the best policy” was probably a compulsive liar.
Though I normally miss a woman’s subtle flirtations, I had a feeling Miss Jones was hitting on me when she stuck her tongue up my ass.
It’s ironic that we call swearing adult language when it’s usually the “adults” who get offended by it.
I remember the time I accidentally slipped into a manhole — since then, I’ve been very wary of cross-dressers.
It’s only polite to say “Excuse me” after you’ve accidentally rear-ended someone because you weren’t watching where you were going. Especially if you’re in a bathhouse.